I’m lying here on my bed with tear-stained eyes, again, covered with a blanket I ordered myself for Christmas with pictures of Tony all over it. It is the first week of the new year 2022. Woo Hoo! Tony and I would have started our new year talking about our plans. What hunting trips Tony would go on, where we would go on vacation, what camping trips we would go on with our kids and grandkids. We had planned to buy a new truck this year and a camping trailer, so we could spend time together on the road. Today, I face the year and the rest of my life without my partner, my best friend, and love of my life.

Everyday people come up to me and say, “You are so strong, you can do this.” I think Ha! You have no idea what’s going on behind the doors of my home or in the storage room at work where I go several times each day to gather up the pieces of ME and put them all back together. I am not strong. I am weak. My brain struggles to even consider a future life without Tony. I don’t know how to begin. It takes a strength that I DO NOT possess to move forward, to move on. All I can do is pray.

Father! I can’t do this without you. I need Your help; You are my strong tower. In You is where my strength lies. Please come and rescue me,

Tonight, as I ask the Lord to give me strength, I think of Tony. He was physically a very strong person. His strength amazed me. Honestly, I have never known anyone as strong. There were many times, I watched Tony pick things up from the ground that two men would struggle to pick up together. At the age of 62, he had muscles in his arms and legs that were as big and strong as they were when he was 20. He believed in hard physical work and his strength showed it.

Tony was also very mentally strong. He could deal with stressors and pressure of his job without ever losing his temper or a night’s sleep. I remember him saying, “my mind is a vault, no one can ever get in.” He felt that if you gave in, gave up or allowed yourself to lose control, you were weak. Weakness was not a word that described Tony. He could not, would not, be considered or found to be weak mentally or otherwise. Giving control to anyone was out of the question (Except me. He was putty in my hands.).

It was the 3rd week of September 2021 that Tony gained a third and final strength. I don’t know for sure but suspect there could not have been but a paper-thin space between Tony and Jesus during his time in the hospital. He prayed and worshipped continuously the first 15 days he was there. He knew on that 16th day when he could no longer breathe on oxygen alone, he was going on the ventilator. The Lord was calling him home to Heaven and he knew it. Tony’s sickness and death have been a hard pill for most of us to swallow, as we don’t fully understand. The Lord knows though what it will take for each of us to finally surrender all to him. For Tony, it was in the midst of COVID, at his body’s weakest that he gave up control and found his true STRENGTH when he said, “Here I am Lord, I surrender all”. He went to be with Jesus 20 days later.

Twice the Lord gave me Psalms 31 for Tony. The first time was Oct 13, 2019, just before we came back to Oregon. The second time was Oct 4, 2021, just before he went to Heaven.

Psalms 31:1-5 (NAS)

1. In Thee Oh Lord, I take refuge, let me never be ashamed. In Thy righteousness deliver me. 2. Incline Thine ear to me, rescue me quickly; be Thou to me a rock of strength, a stronghold to save me. 3. For Thou art my rock and my fortress; for Thy name’s sake Thou wilt lead me and guide me. 4. Thou wilt pull me out of the net they have secretly laid for me; for Thou art my strength. 5. Into Thy hand I commit my spirit; Thou hast ransomed me, Oh Lord, God of Truth.

Babe, I’m trying so hard to be strong but I’m struggling. Tears weaken me and once they come, I start falling to pieces. You know me better than anyone, so…. yes, you get what I’m saying. I’m a sobbing, mascara stained, sniveling, nose blowing mess. You have seen me like this before and have wiped my tears as you held me in your strong loving arms. I wish you were here to wipe them away tonight.

I look to the Lord for strength all day, every day. Without Him, ugh…….can you even imagine the complete disaster I would be? You said in a note you left me last summer, “Honey, keep praying for me, I’m a work in progress.” Now I’m asking the same of you. Please pray the Lord will continue to give me strength to get through this life without you. I am most definitely a work in progress. I surrender all.

P.S. I think my face might be ruined; for real.