Tony has been gone from home for over 4 months. It seems like he’s been gone forever. I used to come home from work and the house would be filled with the smell of dinner, something barbequed no matter what time of year. I loved it. During the winter Tony’s work outside is limited, so he was always good about making sure he had dinner ready when I got home. Now I come into a house that’s cold, no lights on, no heat, the fire is not burning in the pellet stove, it’s just darkness. For a moment I smile as I flip the light switch and see my handsome husband looking at me from the mantel. Our initials made from rusted tin stand in front of his picture with a knotted root he found while he was digging. He handed it to me and said it was a Love Knot the tree made just for us.

I am joyful and sad at the same time. Is it possible that the two emotions can coexist? When I think about my life with Tony, I feel overwhelming joy in my heart. He loved ME, only me. I was his person, and he was mine. On July 27, 2007, two became one and for the first time in my life, I didn’t wonder if my husband had eyes for someone else. It was the same for him. Tony knew my love for him ran deep and I would never betray him. Even if we were having an off day and argued, we knew nothing could ever come between us. Our love for each other was a love that comes from God. We were so blessed to have each other.

Tony was a great provider, a giver. a doer, a poet, and he had an incredible singing voice. He sang to me often, made me things in his shop, built me anything I asked for or he thought I needed. I bought him gadget and things for his shop, but my talents didn’t quite match up with his, so in leu of gifts I probably said thank you and I love you more than a million times in our 14 years. My sadness comes not from the loss of him doing things for me or giving but it comes from being separated from the one person besides the Lord that knew me best. It comes from knowing I will never reach over in the middle of the night to find him sleeping next to me or never feel his hand on my back while he prayed for me before he went to sleep. It comes from the deepest part of my soul, a heartache that will never completely heal.

I know the word of God says we should be joyful when we have troubles because He works in us and through us in the midst of our trials, to bring us closer to Him.

James 1:2 – Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds

1 Peter 4:13 – But rejoice in so far as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

Father, Guide me and the kids through this difficult time. We are suffering greatly the loss of dad, papa, and husband. We don’t know what to do; how to move on. Please send your Holy Spirit to comfort and lead us as we search for peace and joy in knowing he is with You.

Babe, I love and miss you. CL