How long does grief last? Will I ever stop crying over the loss of this man who gave me more love than I have ever known my whole life? The past two weeks I have felt his loss more than ever. Tears flow regularly and in large quantities at work, in the grocery store, at home, everywhere. My prayers throughout the days and nights are, Lord, please give me peace, please take the pain of loss away. Lately I have been feeling guilt over my hysterical sobbing. Almost as if they are in a way, sinful. Can it be that I have put my love for Tony above all else including Jesus? Have I made his death my focus when truly I should be focusing on why God left me here and what His plans are for me?

Today at work I had the pleasure of speaking with the dad of one of our teenage patients. We talked for a while about his son, I congratulated him on raising a young man that is respectful, kind, and an absolute joy to be around. He thanked me for the kind words. He told me that he knew of Tony and had prayed for him when he was sick and had been praying for me since Tony passed. He said how sorry he was for my loss. Oh boy! The tears started coming and I began feeling sorry for myself again when he said, “Can I share something with you about my life that I don’t often share”. He told me the story of losing his son to brain cancer. My heart fell and I instantly felt ashamed of my grief. I thought, how is this young man be sitting here encouraging and supporting me after such a loss in his own life? He said the day the doctors told him he had to make the decision to remove his son from life support, he ran from the room crying out to God for help. He said he fell on his knees in the middle of the large waiting area of the children’s hospital where all the bricks are that have names of people who donated to build the wing. As he was sobbing and crying out to God, he looked down and the brick his tears were falling on said, Jesus loves you. He continued to share how his son died naturally a few hours later and how he and his wife have only made it through these years without their son because they have Jesus. Before he left, he asked if he could hug me.

Tonight, my heart doesn’t hurt any less over the loss of Tony, but my perspective has changed. I will grieve my husband, but I will not put his death above the plans God has for me. I will not allow grief to consume me. The Lord has told me so many times since Tony’s promotion to Heaven that He hears me, He knows me, He has a plan for me, which do not include wallowing in self-pity. Tomorrow is a new day. I will rejoice in it, I will be glad, and I will wait upon the Lord to give me direction. Will I still cry? Yes, but I will not put Tony’s death ahead of the things I have been called or left here to do.

I love you, Tony! The Lord showed me today that (Tony often said this to me) It’s not always about (you babe) me.

Thank you, Father for putting things into perspective today. For showing me that no matter what, you are in control. I ask you now, what can I do for you, for others? I want to be used as you used this young dad to influence my heart today. Take away any selfishness that lingers in me. Take away the inner thoughts of ME, ME, ME that keep me from seeing the needs of others. Father, let me be as Jacob, a beacon in the darkness that shines bright with Your light. Work through me, so others in need will see you and know of your faithfulness.