July 27, 2022

15 years ago today I was preparing for the most incredible road trip of my life. It was a 5 hour trip to the small town, Joseph, Oregon where the next day I would marry the literal man of my dreams, the one I had waited nearly 3 decades to be with. July 27, 2007 was truly the happiest day of my life (with exception of the birth of my children)

14 years later, March 13, 2020, would be the beginning of a time that would end in being the saddest time of my life. At 1:26 AM, I was awakened by a loud booming voice, the Lord’s voice. I looked over at Tony, he was fast asleep. I could not believe he didn’t hear the voice that spoke to me. He said, “Prepare your heart, for the time is near. Fall on your face before me in prayer.” I got out of bed, got down on the floor on my face and began to pray. I didn’t know what I was praying for, but I knew it was serious and the Lord wanted my attention. As I lay there praying, my voice must have become a bit loud because Tony woke up and asked, “honey, where are you?” I told him I was on the floor praying, then told him what had happened. I asked what he thought the Lord meant. Was I going to Heaven soon? What was I preparing for? He hugged me until I fell asleep. The next day I called a good friend and prayer warrior. I asked her to pray about it with me, that I was a little afraid and confused about why the Lord had called upon me. She called me a few days later to say had been praying over me and she didn’t feel like the Lord was calling me home but had no other insight. It was just a few weeks later that COVID was on the rise around the world. My son in law Matt came in the kitchen talking about it and said he felt that COVID would touch our family in a big way before it was all over. I told him to stop, that we would all be fine.

July 27, 2021, our 14th anniversary was amazing. Tony took me to a beautiful Italian dinner at our favorite restaurant. We had such a good time that night. We talked about our life together, our faith, the kids, our grandbabies and our dreams for retirement. We took a selfie together and I took several pics of him, I loved taking his picture. He was so handsome, and he was mine. I have been so honored and proud to be Tony’s wife. Every date night with him was like a new beginning. We loved each other so much. I was the most blessed woman on the planet. I didn’t need material things or money, I just needed Tony. He was truly my gift from the Lord.

This is the last note Tony wrote me. It was the night of our anniversary. He wrote these notes to me often. I love them.

You surprise me with things and tell me it’s because I’m always doing something nice for you. I can’t imagine not doing things for you and wishing I could do more. You have brought joy and a fulfillment to my life I didn’t know was possible, you are the love of my life, the most incredible mother to my children, my soul mate, my trophy wife the best Grammy a kid could have, my conscience, in many cases my moral compass, my equal, You put up with my moods, you balance me and in more ways than one you saved me, so doing things for you is an honor, my pleasure and my joy, as are you. I can’t imagine life without you or a life any better than the one that you gave me and we share, so I do things for you because you deserve them and because you give me more than I could ever repay, have ever had or deserve.

I love you more than words can express and would marry you again without hesitation.

I love you. Happy anniversary HONEY

Since our kids were grown and gone from home, the days of catching every little cold and sniffle were over. Neither of us ever got sick. At 62, Tony didn’t even have high blood pressure, so we never dreamed that when our son got sick with COVID it would end in Tony’s death 2 months later. My mind never connected COVID with the Lord speaking to me that night. Not in my wildest dreams did I think it would be the loss of the man He gave me to love. How do you prepare your heart for that?

It has been nearly a year and I think I miss him more now than ever. People say the second year is the hardest. I cannot imagine having a harder year than this one. I still haven’t moved his clothes from where he laid them before he went to the hospital. His smell is gone from them. I know because I lift them to my face often to try to smell him. I have now resorted to spraying his cologne on them, the ones in his dresser and in the closet. Just to smell him for a moment. To feel like he is close, that he may have just walked through the room, makes my heart happy and filled with sorrow at the same time.

Father, I remember the day I married Tony like it was yesterday. You filled us with your joy. as we committed ourselves to one another before You and became one. We were husband and wife, we promised to honor and love each other until death do us part and we did. I will keep my promise to love and honor my husband until the day You call me home.

TONY, I MISS YOU!