Another winter has come and gone without Tony. It’s hard to believe today is March 16, 2023. It’s just a month before his 64th birthday. Somehow, I still mindlessly get up in the morning, dress, and go to work. I go through all the motions at work and then come home to emptiness. Tonight, when I got home, I went straight out to spend time in the greenhouse Tony built me. It is bursting with green. There is lettuce, onions, garlic, broccoli, celery, and the hanging flowers baskets Tony was especially fond of. He loved that I grew my own baskets in this special place he made for me. He beamed with pride when I would bring the plants out the first weekend in April and place them in their pots around the house.

It has been a long, dark, depressing and so lonesome winter. There is not a lot that I really look forward to anymore. Its’ too hard to be here without Tony. Kids, family have gone back to their own homes, lives, relationships, jobs, etc. It seems the loss, the pain, the scars left on their hearts are beginning to heal and are not as painful as each day passes. At least that is my hope for them. For me, I live those 26 days in the hospital and the day he went to Heaven every minute of every day. It’s an open wound that will not heal. It seems that every passing day only make the wound deeper and more painful.

Father, help me please. I don’t want to be here without Tony. He has my heart and I have his. Please, please, help me.

Babe, I miss you so much. I need you. I need your arms around me. I need to hear your voice. I need to kiss you and tell you how much I adore you and how you were God’s gift to me. I’m lost without you. All I can see and hear is the moment you said, “I’m not coming home” and my terrified reply “you are coming home. I can’t be here without you.”