Its February already. The 20th of this month will be 5 months since Tony left home. The emptiness of his favorite chair glares at me every time I walk in the door. There is no handsome man sitting there with his reading glasses on the end of his nose, looking up from his Ipad to say “Hey! What’s cookin”. If he were here today, or if he could speak to me from Heaven, I know he would be mad at me for being so emotional all the time. He would say “Stephanie Ann, Stop! You know where I am, so be happy and don’t selfishly wish me home.” I can hear him loud and clear in my head.

Today, I sent my friend Caralee a pic of me with my grandson’s chicken, Rainbow. I told her this is ME now, the old chicken lady. I come home, feed and play with the dogs, feed the chickens, then hide my head in my bed crying at 6:30 every night. She asked me what Tony would be doing if it was me that passed. I didn’t even have to think about it. He would be hunting, fishing, working on the property and making the best of life until it was his time to go home. Caralee then asked if I had been praying about what I am supposed to do and wondered why I had not posted anything on my blog. I told her I had been too sad to write, that things are overwhelming me right now. She said she believes there is so much more to this story and that I have a lot to offer this world. We talked about writing stories, bible studies, and even combining bible study and baking classes, then she gave me this:

Matthew 5:14-16

“You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

The text that followed said, “you should pray over this and see where God takes it.” She said she was excited for me, and she loved me.

As I lay here tonight, I feel encouraged and pray the Lord will sustain this feeling for a while. Going forward I will try hard not to feel sorry for myself. I will pray over this bible passage and ask God to show me His plan for my life. If He opens a door, I will willingly walk through it.

Father, my desire is to shine my light so others will be drawn to see and to serve You. Thank You for your blessings and grace on my life. Thank you for good friends who love me, pray for me, and guide me through Your word.

Tony, I love and miss you every minute. The devil tries to steal my joy every day and though this life is so hard without you, I will NOT let him steal it from me. Yours forever, cl