It’s Sunday evening Sept 11, I was not able to go to church today, but I did get to watch both services online, praise Jesus, and thank Him for my life, for my husband, my family, friends, and my church. I am thankful for the day.

It has been a long weekend of working on the little farm and I’m exhausted more mentally, I think than physically. The power company shut the power off because of heat and wind. I was not prepared. I do have a generator, but it was not ready to go, and I had not gotten the house wired to receive power from it. I pulled it out of the corner where Tony placed it right after I bought it 2 years before after he said, “why did you buy that; we won’t ever need it”. The silly thing weighs more than 100 pounds so wiggling it out and then sliding it across the shop floor to the place where the tractor would be backed to attach to it was a bit hard for me, but I did it. My daughter and I spent the afternoon running to get parts while 3 of the neighbors came to help attach it to the tractor. When I walked in the shop and saw them all bent over the generator, my thoughts went to of all the times I came home and found the shop full of neighborhood men working on some big project with Tony. It wasn’t long before the electrician arrived and put a temporary system in the panel to get the well working until a permanent plug can be put in. By 4 pm it was all up and running and I was able to water the animals and the garden. At 1:38am the power came back on. PTL!!

With every chore I do, I have to pause more than a few times due to tears filling my eyes. Not tears because I have to do Tony’s chores but because I am in awe of the things he taught me. In our 14 years together, he would ask me to come hold something for him, help move something. fit my hand in a space that his giant hand would not fit, just be with him outside while he worked, or the “Come on baby, want ride with me to get some gas? “, which I did because I loved him and he always sang to me during the ride to town. I never realized that all along he was teaching me. Without even knowing, he was preparing me for this time in my life. I have found this past 11 months that there is nothing I can’t do if I try.

2 weeks ago, I came home from work, ate a quick bite. put my dish in the dishwasher, pushed the button to turn it on and…. nothing. There was no click, no sound of water trickling in, no lights. Ugh… I went to the breaker panel, there was no tripped breaker. Tears came immediately when I realized it was broken. I laid on the floor of the kitchen crying out to the Lord for help. After a few minutes I opened my eyes and was disgusted with what I saw. I was looking at my kitchen from the floor up. Have you ever done that? Oh, my goodness. It was gross. Little handprints and smudges of dirt in places you can’t see from the top looking down. Thank you, Lord for the distraction. It was just what I needed to get me up off the floor and concentrating on something else. When I was done cleaning, I looked at YouTube for a video to help me. There it was GE dishwasher common problems. The circuit board likely needed to be replaced. I ordered it for $90, had it in 5 days and installed in the dishwasher in 5 mins. YAY! It works! That same week I had to buy gravel for the driveway. Tony ordered a minimum of 2 loads each year. Without gravel it would be a mess this fall and winter. In preparation for delivery, I had to go out alongside it (it’s a long driveway) and shovel some of the old gravel that was encroaching upon the grass. About 3/4 of the way down, I had to stop and lay in the grass. It was 90 degrees out, I was sweating, my arms ached, and all I could do was lay there looking at the sky thinking of my husband’s strength. What a mighty man the Lord made him to be. He was so strong and built for endurance. He was a man who never complained about anything or asked for help. He said this was God’s property and he was the steward of it while he was here. I am trying so hard to walk in Tony’s shoes. To be strong, to be grateful and to never complain about any work set before me. The things Tony believed he was called to do are now handed down to me. The Lord has been preparing me for 14 years to take over these things. I will do them proudly in honor of the Lord and my husband until it’s my time to go home to Heaven or the Lord calls me to something else. I believe the Lord has a plan for me and He is teaching me that through Him I can do all things. No matter where He leads me, no matter the pain, or heartbreak, He is there to guide me.

Father, I thank you for giving me eyes to see the gifts you gave me through my husband, my teacher. Thank you for being there every day when I fall to pieces missing Tony and when I cry out in fear over the challenges set before me. Some days the waters seem so deep I think might drown but I know if I keep my eyes on you, you will keep me from going under. Help me Father, use me to teach others as you used my husband to teach me.

Tony, you are so missed. Your strength, your knowledge, your ability to do anything you set out to do. I am so thankful for you, and I am thankful that you let the Lord use you. My heart cries out for you every minute of the day. My love, my best friend, my teacher. CL